Because I am stupid

Once upon a time, someone asked me, "What would it take for you to open yourself fully to another? As in no walls at all."

I answered something to the likes of, "A great feeling of trust like no other."

However, when you knowingly open yourself fully - you also open yourself to a possibly great amount of hurt.

It's like allowing yourself to free-fall based on nothing but faith that you will land softly. On the flip side, there may be nothing but an endless abyss. Yet you take that risk by taking the free-fall.

And it really is hard to pick yourself up when you feel that a trust that you have given fully takes a knock and cracks begin to form around it. Mending those cracks is a lot of hard work.

Does one ever regret decisions made due to feelings of guilt or obligation?

I know that every time I make a decision under such circumstances, I end up taking a very wrong and painful road. I've learnt that decisions made in such situations means to make a decision against what is right for myself... and collecting scars along the way.

I learnt to fully trust my gut feeling and instinct. They have never failed me. The moment I doubt it and go against it... that's when things tend to take a long detour.

I learnt not to focus on a "what-if" that is a future negative because it feels like I'm setting things up to fail even before giving it a go. The glass has to be half full and I believe that effort needs to be made to ensure that it remains half full.

I was told that some of the things that I do is very big of me, because I am making choices that may not necessarily result in what I would like to have... and quite possibly result in the opposite of it. It's hard to do that but it is also the best gift that I can bestow on the people I care about.

The Canvas of Life

Our lives that lay ahead, in the future, are like an empty canvas
It beckons to be filled by you, the artist
The artist who wields the brush and paint
which are none other but creations from the choices you make

What do you choose to paint on that canvas?

Great sweeping meadows, beautiful beach holidays
a life filled with happiness and love
Or something like a dark, morbid, and lonely ghost town
signifying moments of deep depression and pitiful loneliness
Or even an abstract in the likes between Van Gogh and Picasso
shouting to the world the combination of elements
that conflict within you in utter confusion, the madness

If you stand where you are today and look back
do you see what you have painted on your canvas?

You review from the canvas all the past moments
moments of laughter, joy, toil and tears
and the manifold folks - all of whom have made a mark on your life
the canvas peppered with a wondrous span of everything in essence
a piece of a puzzle that makes you who you are here and now

What is it then today, that you would like to add on the canvas of your life?
I have a vague idea for mine, I think
though whether a masterpiece or not it will be
we shall have to wait and see how it turns out to be
like everyone else, I have no answers
nothing except my blind faith in what is yet an unknown

Everyone has a different need

Everyone has a different need. Need for level of detail, level of support from others, etc. You name it. It's just different from one to another.

I find it pretty rich that one of my closest pals recently told me that she's thankful that I'm always there to listen to her. Then a day or two later, she goes on to say that she needn't know all the details that everyone else seems obliged to explain in full detail when she says "It's ok" and meaning enough and no need to explain.

I don't have a better way to say this, but a lot of the time, when you feel that someone is getting edgy - some of us just tend to try to explain how we came about with our point of view or what our circumstances and thoughts were.

At other times when you basically are dealing with a large group of people, you know it is never easy. Some will happily take the highlights and run with it, while some others want to have the whole nine yards explained out in full detail. It just takes ONE from the latter group to trigger of the detailed blow-by-blow... so sue me if it makes life easier for me when someone (just ONE person) in the entire mass mail seemed to have hinted about it.

We can't please everyone and we can't read minds. So please, don't get pissed if I deep dive and share fine details of whatever it was. I really can't please everyone.

And one more thing: Emails, Chats, Message Boards - you can't really judge the facial expressions normally used in face-to-face communications... so don't shoot the person replying to you because she couldn't tell if you were serious or you were joking or you were rolling your eyes.

Interfaith

A few weeks back, I read an article regarding Interfaith relationships that got me thinking about what I told myself a long time back regarding - What if I am in a serious relationship with someone from a different faith from what I have grown up with and/or chosen to believe?

Back then, I somehow came to the conclusion that I should just give equal respect to all religions as all the major religions are all about living your life in an exemplary manner. Have a good character. Have a good view on others. Do unto others what you expect them to do unto you - the amount of respectfulness, caring for one another, friendliness, etc positive traits.

So would I convert to another religion other than what is stated on my I/C and B/C just because my other half in staunch in terms of his religious believe? The answer would be "Why not?"... as long as it's not some obscure "religion" that has a list of believes that are suspect and screams "ALERT! ALERT! It's a cult with mass suicide tendencies"... yeah... so why not?

We are in an interracial and interfaith society after all. Furthermore, there is no "I" when you are with the other half but a "we"... and definitely although this may be a touchy subject for most... all it takes is having a common understanding and a little give and take. Peachy.

Hmm... and so I Learn about what's on the International Bill of Human Rights

I flipped the TV on, before I headed out to work this morning, out of curiosity on what would be the topics of discussion on the NTV7 Breakfast Show. What really caught my attention was a mention on what has been put into the International Bill of Human Rights

It got me thinking... and just to be sure, I Googled it up and found the Bill. This was the basis to what was mentioned on air (quote verbatim):

"Article 3, the first cornerstone of the Declaration, proclaims the right to life, liberty and security of person -a right essential to the enjoyment of all other rights. This article introduces articles 4 to 21, in which other civil and political rights are set out, including: freedom from slavery and servitude; freedom from torture and cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment; the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law; the right to an effective judicial remedy; freedom from arbitrary arrest, detention or exile; the right to a fair trial and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal; the right to be presumed innocent until proved guilty; freedom from arbitrary interference with privacy, family, home or correspondence; freedom of movement and residence; the right of asylum; the right to a nationality; the right to marry and to found a family; the right to own property; freedom of thought, conscience and religion; freedom of opinion and expression; the right to peaceful assembly and association; and the right to take part in the government of one's country and to equal access to public service in one's country."

Reading the last part of the paragraph kinda reminded me about what appears to be a sore topic for most parents in our society (based on what I hear from my own parents and what most of my gal pals have observed about their own parents)... Most of our parents seem to be unable to accept the idea of their kids entering into a faith/religion different from their own.

In our multi-cultural society, it is rather interesting that while our parents may be able to express respect for the faith of others... they can at the same time abhor the idea of having anyone in their family move out of what they themselves consider to be the "norm".

But whatever it is, I do believe that at the end of the day, regardless of what my parents have to say (good intentions on their part and so forth)... I will be the one who has to live with my choices, believes, faith and ideals.

And whatever I do, I just hope that my parents are able to respect my decisions as much as I respect what they do i.e. those moments when I think "Yeah, I understand where you are going with this but I don't necessarily believe in the same concept/thing/practice... but I'll give you one (point) on the fundamental goal/objective of what you are saying... just because". Yeah... I know... it kinda drives them a bit nuts when I hint at disagreement with them but... hey... whatever...

Thus said... does it mean that all the emotional blackmail that our parents have issued to us on topics like faith/religion... was against human rights? That's really some food for thought :P

Farewell Kavern - You'll Always be an Inspiration to Me

Today is Wesak Day. Today is also the day that Kavern had breathed his last and left this Earth.

He will always remain as an inspiration for me to always remember to be brave and strong through any adversity. He did everything he wanted to do from the moment he knew for sure that he had cancer (heck, he did whatever he felt like doing even before he knew he had it).

He never assumed the identity of the helpless victim. He was a real trooper until the very end. Bless you and may you rest in peace, Kavern.

Many will surely miss you... and thank you for touching our lives with your amazing personality.

Have You Completed Your Income Tax Filing?

It's that time of the year again. And I'm done with mine. How about you?

I know many people love doing stuff like this at the last minute. Don't.

Why?

If you do it manually: You'll be in a long queue at the counters during the last few days of submissions... or fear that your mailed copy does not reach its destination on time.

If you do it the digital way (via the e-hasil website): Well... we all know that you will have to battle it out with everyone else who is trying to do the same at the 11th hour and there's only so much traffic a server can take.

In short, the earlier you get it done... the better ^_^

p/s: The deadline for your individual submissions is end of 30th Apr 2010.

Words Used to Describe Me in the Last 24 Hrs

Too skinny
Note: I asked if a super mutated overnight burger would end up eating me instead of me eating it.

Friend X: Ur too skinny. Won't eat ya but maybe use u as a tooth pick.
Me: What? Like, for real? Don't want to be tooth-pick thin tho'...

p/s: Does this mean I shud fatten up a bit? Hmm...

Smart
Colleague A: You are really smart, maybe even the smartest in the team because you catch on real fast... just sometimes not enough focus to make the best of it.
Me: That's coz I have too many things on my plate

Fresh Air
Colleague A: Just because I don't have to explain the (big) words I use, you are a breathe of fresh air

Funny
Colleague B: Hahaha... person-Z is very funny but you are even funnier
Me: :P

p/s: I got that just because I replied a question with this question - "That's a very good question"

Why F1 is Now a Sad Sport...

F1 is boring. It's almost like watching A1. All the rules put in to restrict the creativity of the car engineers over the years have made it the way it is now in F1. It all started going downwards in the late 1990s/early 2000s.

But why did I mention F1 is sad? That's because when I said that only the rain races are worth watching in the last few years... my bro said it's just sad that F1 had come to this... and I can't agree more with him on this.

Gone are the days when you can see the genius of a "minor" modification of a wing design bring the added advantage to an F1 race car. Just look at the rear wing of F1 cars this year (and the ones put on the cars throughout the whole of last year too)... it's kinda stumpy and stunted. Eww...

'nuf said.

Friday = Free Food Day... ^_^

When I get caught up in work... the last thing I'd remember to do is to eat. So thanks to the wonderful people around me... I do have constant snacks to eat from about lunch time.

A Nutty Lunch
It doesn't get any nuttier than a large handful of roasted chestnuts from my most loyal customer for tissues (from the tissue box on my desk); and a doughnut from the "tai kar cheh" of the team I am in.

The Chendol Moment
When I reached home after leaving the office, I was told that there's a packet of Chendol waiting for me. It's the one from the famous Penang Road stall... Can't say no to that... Yummilicious... though I am not quite sure that coconut milk is a good thing on a pseudo-empty stomach.

Moo-Moo Meal by Chef Squeaky
Squeaky decided to be Chef Squeaky for the night and asked me to be the "white lab rat". With a guarantee that I should survive the "experiment"... a "pak lou shu" I became.

End result... I survived a yummy enough home-cooked meal prepared by the occasional chef. It was moo-moo accompanied with a generous amount of "traffic lights" (salad made of greens, yellow capsicum, and cherry tomatoes). Dinner was perfectly accompanied with red wine... kudos to Squeaky.

This Bookworm Needs More Books... Eeps!

This is not good... it is one of those times where I know I can go into a bookshop and buy up to 7-8 books in one go...

Must resist the urge to splurge on books... the will must not be weak... I shall not succumb... not now!

Too Much Info... What To Do With It?

Sometimes, when you know you have learnt way too much about something in a short time (as in Speedy Gonzalez fast!) - it can put you in quite a perplexing situation.

Do you keep it to yourself? Or do you tell it like it is even if you know it will hurt yourself or another person like hell when you do so?

Oh God, help me get through this. I really don't wanna do something that may bring about a result that I will regret. Ever.

At times like this, I just wanna coccoon myself up and hide somewhere. I wish things were that easy. But they just aren't.

A Little Sunshine ^_^

I felt truly tired out at work even before lunch today. The only thing in my head as it was nearing time to go home was I should really get a good dose of ZzzzzZzzz.

Then while stuck in the superb traffic jam (forgot tomorrow is a public holiday in Penang)... I just stared up blankly to the sky.

Then something caught my eye.

It was a sweet little girl waving at me from inside of the car in front of mine. She looks about 4 or 5 years old and she was holding on to her baby bottle with plain water in it.

I waved back and smiled at her.

For a split second, the little girl seemed surprised and didn't seem to know how to respond to that.

Then she decided to wave again and smiled at me. I smiled back.

In that short moment, the tiny sparkle in her eyes told me that she was happy that I responded to her wave and that we shared a tiny secret moment.

Such a small thing that happened... but it made my otherwise long and wearisome day... a really good one.

P/s: Squeaky... if you are reading this *ahem* thanks for the extra pillow and snacks when I'm too tired to move myself to get lunch earlier today.

Blind Faith and Optimism

No matter how tough or wearying the journey be
Its knowing that getting to the destination
is something absolutely and definitely possible

I can see ever cheerful and colorful rainbows
at the end of the deepest and longest tunnel
and feel that all will be well sooner or later

I see the sun and daffodils ahead of me
and sprinkle pixie dust in the darkest hours
to see the sparkles light up the gloom

And glowing with the beam of a sunflower
Ever expecting for all that is meant to be
I accept in blind faith all that come my way

For with every twist and turn bringeth new
an experience that makes me whole in a whole new way
and along with it a new story for me to pen

Some Introspection

Recently, I've been told by 2 different people that they feel good after having talked to me when they are feeling kinda emo. Over a longer period of time, there have been others who have told me the same.

Apart from the friendly ear that I have to lend, is it the calm optimism that I share via my often simple but offbeat philosophies or analogies? Or something else? Some kind of X-factor?

Then on a separate note, I'm not sure if I still have that odd knack of finding people who are exactly the right kind of wrong for me... you know the sort that causes you to hurt yourself in some way or another eventually.

To elaborate on this, someone once told me that I have issues with actually wanting to be with another because I unconsciously latch on to people who are unattainable. If I was in USA, I'm sure someone would just say go to a shrink and find out what childhood issues is causing this and then break out of the pattern.

On yet another note, something about what Kalamari said... I am starting to believe that when you impart part of your positive energy unto the less positive or muddied... you could feel the drain... because all of a sudden... I do feel somewhat tired spiritually. Or I'm just feeling crappy because of being on Day #5 of having symptoms of the flu - the whole block nosed + dry cough shebang.

It's 1:10am now... I should sleep. Get a recharge. When I do wake up, it's going to be a long day of hosting some relatives in the house.

Typos: A Source for Comedic Moments

Typos during chats can bring about the most hilarious sentences. They are not limited to chats that you have with your friends - they can also show up in the most mundane work-related chats that you are having with a colleague.

To illustrate this point, let me share with you the funnies from my own chats with the people I know.

Scene 1:
I was asking a male colleague (he's a happily married chap) if it was a good time for discussing about some report

Reply received: "Give me a sex"
Intended reply: "Give me a sec"

Lesson: You must have a really good sense of humor and a good head above your shoulders to not take offense to this particular accidental line. You see, the letters "X" and "C" are right next to one another on the keyboard. We laughed over this one knowing that it was a weird and truly accidental typographical error.

Scene 2:
I was feeling kind of tired and there was a discussion about coffee in a conference chat with some friends.

I typed: "Copy is good"
I meant to type: "Kopi is good"

*Note: Kopi = Coffee (in Malay)

Lesson: When you are tired, you will end up typing anything that sounds close enough to what you intended to say.

Scene 3:
A friend was feeling totally zoned out towards the 2nd half of an 11-hour shift at work after less than 4 hours of sleep the night before. I was joking that he should not end up killing himself in the process of completing some urgent errand that he needs to attend to after his shift ends.

Reply received: I'm too clumsy to kiss myself even if I wanted to.
Intended reply: I'm too clumsy to kill myself even if I wanted to.

*Note: There was an "OMG" that came about 5 minutes later when my friend realised the typo.

Lesson: We may type out words that don't even sound anything like the word we intend to use when we are dead tired, as long as the word we end up typing out begins with the same letter and contains the same number of characters.

Lolz... playdoh...

Today I was just chatting with DL and it suddenly struck me that we shared quite a large number of opinions and certain characteristics. I mentioned that to DL the moment that thought came to me and started joking that it's like we came from the same pea pod. But yes, we have slight differences as individuals.

DL thought about it for a bit and replied saying that we could be made from the same mold... except that he was the test unit that didn't quite pass QC while I was the improved version which has the QA acceptance chop. Lolz.

That cracked me up since it sounded as though someone up there was playing with playdoh.

Lolz.

Past, Present, Future

Dwell and dawdle not in yesterday - it is history
Celebrate the lessons history holds for you today - it is your present
Use your presents well to reach your goals - it is your future

2009 in rewind...

Looking on the year that is now ending, I must say that this year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride.

There has never been a year as eventful as this one.

I've found people whom it felt like I've known them my whole life, and lost them a few months later.

I've had to deal with a person who had been strictly told straight to his face many times before that I was not interested - who wanted to let me officially diss him anyway. What a loser and sucker for punishment... Tsk, tsk.

I've had the "pleasure" of dealing with a Psycho Bitch (who was later promoted to the title of Deranged Psycho Bitch). She was a majorly insecure person who could see no fault in herself who needed to point the blame to any convenient target... that happened to be me. She created a whole fantasy in her head based on what above mentioned loser innocently reported to her about... and harrassed me for months via SMS and calls to my handphone saying I am the person responsible for causing the failure of her marriage. Blasphemy! Lies!

I have to thank Khim Hun for keeping me sane during this time and Jaselee for taking the last call she ever made to me.

And since I've mentioned about people that have my thanks, one other person deserving a mention is LT - the one with a lot of piss and one of the gang for "sesi harian: tembak Jeneral Jibby"... but also because he's the one with the car jumper cable when my 2 year old car battery breathed it's last in the "safari".

I've finally gone to Gua Tempurung... in the company of Yinglai, Jerry and some nutcase who brought a whole lot of photography equipment... and every time the water level was insanely high... we had to wait for said nutcase to safely maneuver the equipment across the body of water...

I've lost my aunt to cancer. God bless her soul. She was still looking towards doing many things if she ever had the chance to get better. However, her body had slowly shut down on her before that day would come for her. I admire her for her strong will to live on (I'm getting tears just writing about her)... She was often mistaken for my sister; shared my interest in watching animes, doing jigsaw puzzles and reading. She was only 43.

I have had the joy of playing a part in the weddings of 3 friends - and each of them are from my different social circles. One was my classmate in high school, another was my fellow student councilor in college and the last one was an ex-colleague's.

* Yinglai's jimui session has to be one of the most hilarious ones I've been to (there's a video on this where I have been tagged)...

* Ashwin's dinner reception was one that allowed me to re-live the experience of being part of an event planning committee... I've seriously not had to run in heels (the way I did for his reception) since the last Grad Ball! ^_*

* Huei's was one where it was a reunion with the PCS girls... (Beng Beng is still as nutty as I remember her to be... and oops... I think I still haven't sent over the photos I took!!!)

I have learnt to bite my tongue more often... But it's still not enough... Need to work on being less hissy when people are asking the same questions to me for the n-th time. Time to be more diplomatic when I deliver the "RTFM" line.

I still talk like a bullet train to the people I am comfortable with. (Please tell me to hit the brakes sometimes... ^_^)

I know who my lifelong heartfelt friends are... You folks are the sparkles and stars in my sky no matter where you are!

Just in case she makes noise about why her name is not listed in full sight... Joce, see above. *hugs*

P/s: The status message I've put up pre-Christmas... they are for you people too ;)

It went like this... just in case you missed it...

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, to teach you something (thank you!) or to learn something from you (you are welcome!). To each and everyone who means something to me - Merry X'mas and Happy New Year. It has and will always be a blessing to have known you.

Nothing But Best Wishes For You

20 minutes past midnight, I posted the following on my facebook:

Towards the stars I reach on a clear night sky
and grasps upon the stars within my reach I try
With nothing in hand I look above
and wish the best for all whom I love.

I didn't understand why I felt the need to write this.

Sometime around noon... while I was still at work... I was informed that my aunt (mum's youngest sis) had passed on. Her body had weakened tremendously in the past 2 months due to cancer.

Now I understand, that I probably sensed it was coming... to have written something like this in the first place.